My Heart's Longings

I don't write these days even though I want to. Writing here is like writing to own self. I'm not even sure if anybody reads what I write.

I never made any good friends. Always had trust issues. And that issue deep rooted when the few friends who became close friends, used to visit my home too, suddenly without any explanation disappeared from my life. And after years when they saw me they didn't even speak a single word to me. I got their contact numbers and messaged them, they didn't respond and blocked me. I wrote e-mails to them and never got a single response. I'm sure it went to their spam or they just simply didn't choose to respond and ignored.

Well, it feels so bad that the selected people you were friends with they too ignore you, want to erase you from their lives. And what hurts most is that you don't know why they are ignoring you. What heinous crime I did to deserve such treatment.

I searched my question in Google and this is what I read in a post in Quora:
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https://www.quora.com/When-someone-suddenly-stops-talking-to-you-without-any-reason-what-does-this-mean

It could mean a multitude of things !

1)They used to enjoy your company and your conversations but now they no longer do.
- Could be true.

2) You did something that upset them terribly and they don't think its worth explaining to you what the mistake was.
- Honestly, I don't want to die without knowing the reason.

3) They had an ulterior motive right from the beginning and that's why they started talking to you ! Now either the purpose is solved or it is no loger necessary.
- Umm, I don't think so.

4) They had a crush on you thinking you were single but they realised you are comitted and are no longer interested in you.
- Nah, they are not that kinda friend.

5) They just now got to know a part of your character that they completely loathe.
- I would be glad if they would tell me, so, I can die peacefully, knowing what mistakes I did in this birth.

6) They were your pen or chat friends, you met recently and your face-to -face personality and behaviour was completely different from what it used to be over messages, and they don't like it.
- I haven't met any of my chat friends, yet.

7) They hated you from the beginning , wanted to teach you that it hurts to suddenly stop talking especially after you’ve been close.
- If they did, they have my curse that noone will remember them ever.

8) Your common acquaintances said something really bad about you that they no longer want to talk to you.
- hmm... I'm really skeptical about this part.

9) They want you to miss them.
- About, one friend I think this could be the case, taking revenge from me by not talking to me.

10) They're playing a prank.
- Pranks don't last for years together.

11) They want to give you a surprise in the near future and they think not talking to you for sometime before that and then attempting a thoughtful gesture, adds to that element of surprise.
- I have a feeling that this is not happening in my life ever.

12) They're reeeeaaaaaaallllllllyyyyyy busy.
- Yes, they are, however, I visited them when they were having party. So, can't be busy in a party. Right?

13) They are somehow mentally depressed and are distancing themselves from everyone not just you.
- Could be. Or it could be vice versa. That I'm depressed and they are avoiding a depressed person.

14) They made a huge mistake, don't have the guts to own up and also can't bear to hide it from you when you talk , so they avoid you completely.
- I have no idea and I don't think so that this is the case.

15 ) They already told you the reason symbolically before they stopped talking , but you didn't catch it.
- Yeah. Could be the case. I'm a dumb person when it comes to understanding double meaning talks and understanding symbolic talks.

16) You might have misbehaved with them and they started hating you for the cause.
- if I have, I'm really sorry for that.

17) It probably means that you have not lived up to their expectations in some way. But it could also be because of your other associations. It also means that you need to expand your social group and activities to a level where one person’s apathy does not disturb you too much.
- I have. Still no friend can replace a school (or college) friends. Especially a Friend with whom you were friends for 7-8 years continuously.

18)  I'm sorry to say this but eventually everyone that comes into you life can't always stay they just teach you a lesson and their gone. You gotta accept that and remember that not everyone can stay. 
- True. Yet when life is on the downhill, I often remember my school college friends, those very few friends I had.

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Honestly, before I leave this body and set off to don't know what life form or no life from at all, I would like to know the reasons, my mistakes. They don't have to be in talking terms with me. Just tell me my mistakes. What made them stop talking to me at all?

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Edit as on 2021-07-05:

Check this post of mine for the updates... https://gayatrigouda.blogspot.com/2018/11/bless-me.html 

also

https://gayatrigouda.blogspot.com/2021/07/what-was-i-doing-being-away-from-blogger.html

~ Khushi.

My Latest Passion - Novels!

I have been observing that I read a lot more Novels than I watch movie... I have finally understood the craziness one feels when they read a story than watching it on a screen. 

One explore so much about one's power of imagination, visualisation, seeing things through mind's eyes!! Oh! I love it. God's grace be on me and help me find time to manage my work, personal life and imaginary, in other words magical life. :)

Oh yes, the same kind of feeling I get when I listen an English song. I couldn't believe those English vocabulary has such power to create a beautiful song along with the variety of music instrument and the power of the singer's voice.

And oh yeah - I love my flipkart ebooks. So far the best ebook reading app that I have found. All other readers are just average ones, including the ones that the book publishers provide.

Have a wonderful day and keep smiling!!

♥ ~ Smile

that one person...

"Sometimes in life there really are bonds formed that can never be broken. Sometimes you really can find that one person who will stand by you no matter what. Maybe you will find it in a spouse and celebrate it with your dream wedding. But there's also the chance that the one person you can count on for a lifetime, the one person who knows you sometimes better than you know yourself is the same person who's been standing beside you all along." 

When I listen to these dialogues from the movie "Brides War" the first person who comes to my mind is my best friend 'Chandana Shree'. She is that one person...

♥ ~ Smile

Blogs from Paulo Coelho's website

I like these blogs in Paulo Coelho's website.
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/09/11/buying-time/
http://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/09/08/the-fisherman-and-the-businessman/

This person writes some amazing stuff. I wish to meet him someday. So far have just seen his pic on one of his books, which I have not yet bought. First, let me finish The Alchemist and Brida. The would move to other books.

Hope you enjoy too.

♥ ~ Smile

♥ Woman and Life ♥

Women and Life go hand in hand. This thought came to my mind not just once but repeatedly since I was 21. I have been observing how a woman contributes to every one's life. I don't say Men don't contribute. They do. However, I feel the contribution done by a woman is much more than a man. If I focus on just positives, then I can define a woman, from the majority of women, as patient, calm, courageous, alert, intuitive, prepared, organised, lovable, caring, discipline, affectionate, empathetic, controlling, leader, manager, worker (hard and smart), bold, determined etc. etc. etc. The list goes on and on.

If I focus on negatives... umm...; I won't focus on negatives, for the more you focus on negative vibrations, the more the universe generates it for you. So, all good - nothing bad!! I hope and wish that all the women with the negative vibration on them soon focus on the positives in them and others.

Now, do you wanna know why this thought came to my mind over and over?

I had several incidents where I met people of different age, background and grade. I met people from different community, status and culture. When the guys are asked to do an impromptu speech on a topic; I found some of them make a story based on a woman or based on the woman of their life. Whatever may be the topic; the consensus of the speech would be a woman. Some focus more on their mother, some on their girl friend(s), some on their sister, and some on his wife. The most fascinating part is that the one who focus more on their girl friend, always... I focus again; 'always' wins the impromptu speech contest in the small group of people. I have also found some people, when asked to provide an introduction about them; they would focus on the girl of their life. And believe me or not, that person is highly appreciated by the group and gets a huge applauds. I asked few of my colleagues' kids for who is the favourite of them, Mommy or Daddy. The guys would usually say, Mommy. The girls would say Daddy in most of the cases, but there are few who still say, "I love my mommy!"

These small gestures urged me to think - Can't anyone live without women? We talk about women! We love women! We appreciate those who praise their women!

Also, these gestures questioned my brain with some negative questions too. I found some people know the trick to win the mandate and thus use the terms - girl friend and wife - and create story around them and present it before the audience. However, I also found that they actually doubt the potential of women. There are many for whom women are born for the house and work there. There are many for whom marriage is to bring a wife home. And that wife's job is to prepare and serve him and his family delicious food, to socialise with the neighbours, to bring children from school, to take them to doctor, to bring the groceries, to teach the children good lessons / morals, to take care of every one's health, and to give him the pleasure of life. I found such people giving wonderful speeches about their wife. However, do they really understand how much energy is she dealing with and she needs? Or do they just appreciate them for they do their job like a super woman? Do they really understand her deep desires and her deep feelings? I just hope they really do.

In those question and answer session, I wasn't the winner of that quiz; for I yet don't know some of the answers. I still don't have the answers.

However, I have come to know that without a loving woman, life would be like that seed deep under the ground waiting to be nurtured. Woman as a mother has the power to lay the foundation of a child, to make her/him a great person in life. (I will mention her instead of her/him - for 'her' is he standard to mean both the genders now-a-days). The mother not only nurtures the child after its birth, she starts to nurture the baby and baby's thought process, even when she is in the womb. It's what she sees, what she enjoys, what behaviour she receives, what she reads / writes, what she thinks about. Everything she goes through the pregnancy period that affects the child's mentality after birth. Woman has that potential in them to carry the baby in that open space with the web through which they feed the baby in their womb.

She knows when upset or angry or depressed a simple heartfelt hug or a gentle kiss can heal it. It's that caring pat on the face or head or the shoulder that can bring a peaceful sleep to anyone, from a baby to an adult to an old person. Have you guys ever slept near your mother's belly? I did several times; even when I was in my engineering studies. Not just that even now. Whenever I get a chance I do so. And the most amazing thing in this world is whenever I sleep near her belly, I feel so much peace as if there are no worries in my life. And within seconds I get deep sleep. I miss those moments so much now, at this moment, for my mom doesn't stay with me anymore, for I am married now. Who doesn't want a peaceful sleep! Everyone does. If you don't sleep some day and have your mother with you, just try sleeping on her lap, or near her belly. I guarantee you; you will get sleep within seconds. I wonder some time may be that's because that was the safest place before we landed on earth.

You know what's the thought coming on my mind now? I am thinking about the guys, who don't have their mother with them - what they will do. May be they can try to do the same with their wife. I believe that would yield similar result, but not same though. Still a caring hand and gentle pat on the head and face would result in almost same result.

Woman as friend, guide you selflessly, support selflessly, care for you selflessly too. Woman as sister is the most demanding and adorable. Woman as best friend are simply awesome; provide you have got a true friend, who loves not because of your color or status or education - but loves you because of what you are.

Woman as maid has the awesome power of cooking and cleaning 2-3 houses at a stretch and has the power to server you wonderful food (at times not to your taste). And yet after doing all these they serve their own family members. What a marvelous job!

These capabilities some time disturb me a lot and I find it really hard to distinguish life and woman. Shall I call life as a woman or a woman as life? If you have the answer, do let me know.

Until I write again...

♥ ~ Smile